my life is incredible.

i can watch a sunset on my own

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 19:13:32 GMT

You are...(looks)
[] tall
[] in between
[x]short

[] blonde
[] redhead
[x] brunette
[] black

[] blue-eyed
[x] brown-eyed
[] green-eyed
[] hazel eyed
[] gold/gray eyed
[x] glasses
[] contacts

[] braces
[] freckles
[x] piercings
[] tatoos

[x] long hair
[] short hair
[] med. Hair

Your nationality includes...
[] chinese
[] indian
[] taiwanese
[] japanese
[] hispanic
[] nicoya
[] puerto rican
[] chicana
[x] italian
[] scottish
[] filipino
[] dutch
[] french
[] german
[x] irish
[] greek
[] portugeese
[] polish
[] korean
[] swedish
[] jamacian
[] canadian
[] lithuanian
[] Native American
[] Russian
[] British
[] African
[] Other
[] Have no idea

Your favorite color(s) are?
[] red
[] pink
[x] yellow
[x] black
[x] green
[] blue
[x] white
[] silver
[x] purple
[] brown
[] orange
[] other

Some sports/physical things you have done?
[] real football when you actually use your feet(soccer)
[x] cheerleading
[x] dancing
[] lacross
[x] field hockey
[] hockey(american hockey=ice hockey)
[] football
[] softball
[] wrestling
[x] gymnastics
[] track/cross country
[] Basketball
[] baseball
[x](mini)] golf
[x] playing in the mud
[x] playing music
[x] hiking
[x] kayaking
[x] camping
[] horseback riding
[] marching band. . . thats right!!! It's a sport!
[] good ole' fashion sex!!!!!

Your personality is sometimes...
[] annoying
[x] talkative
[x] shy
[x] funny
[x] serious
[] bubbly
[] spazzy
[x] fun loving
[x] laid back
[] strict
[x] hyper
[x] weird

The music you like is?
[x] rap
[x] rock
[x] pop
[x] country
[x] hiphop
[x] r&b
[] slow jams
[] Christian
[] classical
[x] techno
[x] oldies
[x] punk [REAL punk. not this nuwave Simple Plan "punx" shit]
[x]Metal
[] reggae
[] Goth
[] Latin
[] showtunes 8]
[x] ska
[] skacore
[x] other

The pets you have are?
[x] cat
[] dog
[] lizard
[] rat
[] ferret
[] rabbit
[] fish
[] other
[] bird
[] none

Clothes you like to wear are?
[x] plain tshirts
[x] sweatshirts
[x]hoodies
[] stockings
[] high heels
[x] sneakers
[] boots
[x] jeans
[x] pj pants
[x] boxers
[x] underwear
[] dresses
[x] mini skirts
[] long skirts
[] watches
[x] necklace
[] hoop earring(s)
[] toe socks
[x]flip flops
[] halter tops
[] stilletos
[]band shirts
[] shorts

How do you like to wear your hair?
[x] down
[x] ponytail
[] pigtails
[x] messy bun
[x] half ponytail
[x] scrunched/curly
[] bun
[] crimped
[] with a bandana
[] French braids
[] lots of little braids
[] Gel
[] Hat
[x] messy
[] Fohawk!!! Kinda like a Mohawk!!!
[x]straight
[]how ever the fuck i like
[]i have my own style

You're mostly labeled as?
[]goth
[] emo
[] prep
[] loner
[] punk
[] hippie
[] nerd
[] ditzy
[] hyper
[x] happy
[x] everything
[x] I hate labels
[x] i have no idea
[] MetalHead

You eat?
[x] dessert
[] no meat
[x] healthy foods
[x] junk foods
[x] a lot of carbs
[x] meat
[x] salad
[] seafood

A typical friday night...
[x] mall with your friends
[x] partying..sometimes
[x] watching movies
[] going to the club
[] staying home
[x] babysitting and getting $$
[x] hanging out w/ my friends
[] hanging out w/ your boyfriend/girlfriend
[]working while your friends are out having fun! :(
[x] drinking

Online, you use:
[x] lol
[] sup
[] =D
[] lmao
[X :) ] stfu
[] ty
[x] jk
[] ttyl
[] lylas/lylab
[] g2g
[] ^^
[] T_T
[] None

Did you like this survey?
[] yeah
[] no!
[] it was ok
[x] it was something to do

cool

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 23:53:12 GMT

absolute worst.

boys

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 07:25:57 GMT

boys are the worst.

worcester

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 16:54:23 GMT

so i like how i left my house last night at 6:11pm and got home at 4:07am without stopping anywhere.
dont you love driving 10 hours straight.

goodbye

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 19:03:22 GMT

so last night was not such a good night; the end.

epifanies

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 20:38:15 GMT

since my epifany the other day, life hasnt been so bad. im actually having fun and like not stressed. well of course i am, but not to the extent that i use to be. my dad moved out, so im home <3 it feels so good to sleep in my own bed after two months. and i talk to him once a day, so like thats good. hes buying his own place saturday, or hes already bought it and hes moving in saturday, im not sure. he wants to do breakfast on sunday, but i dont think i want too so i told him i was busy or that id get back to him. i forget. but i also got a job! at rosewood, the nursing home. itll be fun though because julie bryan danny steve holy danielle.. like everyone works there, haha i start monday <3 and i switched out of my history class and because of it i needed to switch my english period so now i have fifth period history with ingrao and kaylas in that class, which is cool cause ive never had a class with her but akward as hell cause i have nothing to say to her. ive changed so much since we were friends that its just akward. haha but i figure whatever. and then i have sixth period english with merril and abbie and kevin and mia and soo many people are in that class. i love the people, but the teachers voice puts me right to sleep.

aah, college stuff is flying at me through the mail and its stressing me out like crazy. but like i said i could be more stressed out. so im fine, lol its exciting but overwhelming cause like i want to go to college and i want to get out of peabody and everything. but its coming sooner then expected.

and .. BYEE

like, wow

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 01:17:29 GMT

haha alright, so someway somehow ive had a completely turn around with my life. it probably wont last long but im soaking in every second of it. im just really happy right now. i couldnt tell you why, but i am. things just are looking really good, well not in all aspects but like wow. i dont understand it, nothing inparticular happened. im just like moved on from shit, like a bunch of shit. like my parents, they can deal with their own shit and im going to deal with mine the way im going to deal with it. they havent acted like parents so im not going to treat them as such. like i love them both but i have to focus on me. and then with joe, fuck it. like seriously i dont need the extra stress from him, i dont want it. he isnt worth it, he is just another guy. anyways, christ im only in highschool. i have so much mroe ahead of me. i should stop caring so much about guys, at this stage in highschool it either ends in heartbreak, or well actually only heartbreak. whether it be yours that is breaking or theirs. but in my case its always mine. and i love my friends, i need to stop being so stressed about like life. aaah, im only sixteen. im going to start enjoying it, i shouldnt be stressed. lifes really not that hard. and it can be really fun, all you need is optimism. seriously, thats all it takes. if you look at the good side to everything aspect in life, everything will be alright. and im so thankful that i learned that today. i dont know how or when i learned it today between six am and now, but i did and i just, i feel like a completely new person. :)

drunk dialing

Sat, 14 Oct 2006 18:47:30 GMT

drunk dialing sucks.
why did i call joe, what the hell crossed my mind.

i havent talked to him in nearly a week and because i called last night he decides to im me. he shouldnt of, fuck i was doing fine. i still am, im fine. it doesnt matter, he doesnt matter. he cant matter, im not allowing it. and he had the nerve to say "no i didnt answer cause i figured you were drunk." well fuck him, i hate guys. and then he was like "dont be all bitter, it was your idea to end it, cut it off clean." well fuck him again. when he said that i was like "we're not talking about us, remember" because he said he didnt want to talk about us.

fuckkkk

bye

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 03:12:55 GMT

we never hung out.
figures
he never even called.

im done; i hope at least.

us

Sun, 08 Oct 2006 16:20:22 GMT

so i called joe last night while i was at the fair and just left him a msg saying basically i give up because he's ignoring me and i have no clue why but if he wanted to talk he could always give me a call.

not ten minutes after i left that message he called me.

he was like "im not trying to ignore you" and i was like "okay" and he goes "its just everytime you try and talk to me you want to talk about us and i dont want to talk about us" so i was like "we dont have to" and he goes "okay great"

ugh, he makes me so mad. but i cant help but like him as much as i do. how am i suppose to know what the fuck is going on unless we talk about him. he just needs to give me straight answers.

so then i asked if he wanted to hang out before he went back to school and he was like "yeah, i do. but i have to see my family and stuff too" so i dont know what the hell that means.

whatever, we'll see.

joes home

Sat, 07 Oct 2006 22:24:14 GMT

why do i get involved with dicks.
even though joe is the sweetest guy in the world, its obviously my fault he's acting the way he is.

hes home for the weekend and ive called him like four times in the last two days and ive tried to talk to him through aim but he doesnt return my calls or im me back. i dont understand.

all i wanted was to see him, its not like i want to be boyfriend/girlfriend again. well obviously i do, but i dont have to. i just really want to see him, why doesnt he want to see me? i dont understand.

i wish i could spend a week in the mind of a guy. just to see what goes through their thick heads.

sometimes guys are just idiots, pure idiots.

but i miss him, largely
so much that it actually aches.

like my heart aches, which isnt suppose to happen
im not suppose to be physically attached, like in any way.
my heart should not ache over not seeing him.

ive gone a month without seeing him.
so why should him being home be any different?

thank you

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 01:45:05 GMT

joes coming home this weekend <3
im very happy =)

am i ending it ?

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 20:53:32 GMT

sam aanntthhaa (4:29:18 PM): joe, could you think about coming home sometime soon..even if its only for a day. if not i understand
Auto response from extra frame fran (4:29:18 PM): Not here
Auto response from sam aanntthhaa (4:29:18 PM): who would of thought.
extra frame fran (4:31:57 PM): i thought you were ending it

i didnt answer back. i didnt want to end it, he did. i swear he did, i just did it for him. fuck, of course i want this back. but all i wanted was to see him. everything is soo messed up in my life right now all i wanted was him to come home so i can see him. he comforts me. ugh

good weekend

Mon, 02 Oct 2006 16:03:46 GMT

i got beyond drunk last night.
theres not even a word for it.
it isnt even defined.

i had three quarters of a water bottle of bacardi superior. i got soo messed up. and whenever i drink, i like dont have an off button on myself. like if i hadnt gotten sick last night,i would have continued drinking. guarenteed..

it was suppose to be just me brian danny and juile but we ended up hooking up with ariel mikey dave and todd (only for a little while) - he had to be home by like 1030, and we met up with him at like 10. so he wasnt there for long. but apparently i called him after he left and left a message on his phone yelling "i want to fuck you". when i heard i did that this morning i freaked. i had no recollection of it, none. like zero. and i wanna know who the idiot was that gave me their phone with his number on it. and someone had to of dialed it because i would not have been able to read those names. but from 1030ish to about 1ish; i have no anything. like i remember almost nothing. i remember some people i talked to and like here and there of situations but no idea what i said to any of them or anything. like i dont know when we left burger king, and i dont know how we got to dannys. well brian drove us, he didnt drink last night so that was good. but like so much happened and i have no clue about any of it.

i called joe like 12 times, no lie. like legit 12. i felt bad this morning when i realized i did that, i dont even have a clue what i said. ive been stubborn by not talking to him, but i liked it because it was helping me and then i go and get drunk and it all comes out. i shouldnt have called him, but i did. and now its over haha and then i got sick, like i was puking everywhere and i got really scared at one point because there were moments where i couldnt breathe. so i called him and left a message ? and went to bed. hahaha why would i call him if i was puking, but whatever. he called back but i was already asleep.

sometimes he aggravates the shit out of me, well its not him. its me that aggravates the shit out of myself but i blame him because he's easy to point the finger at. i like him, a lot, as a person. he's really great. but i dont think we're going to work out, as much as i want us too. just cause i dont want anyone else, like im all about him but if im the one to distant myself then i should be okay. plus i dont think he like wants to keep in touch, he like doesnt care, but thats okay. because me thinking he doesnt care is, in the long run, helping me. its pushing me away and thats ultimately what i need. not necessarily what i want, but its what i need because i shouldnt be this wrapped up with him. i mean, jesus, i havent even seen him in a month. how can i still be this attached to him?!

haha so i woke up this morning, and i dont get hangovers. i never have and i have drank quite a bit before. but this morning i woke up drunk, completely. well no, like obviously a hell of a lot more in tact then last night. but it was funny, plus i had a road lesson at nine so that went well. hahaha but i did fine. and im fine now so =)

i had a good weekend.

easier said than done

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 18:21:36 GMT

i havent updated in a while.

my dads still not out of the house, and he isnt improving any. but thats fine, i have a home at matts. im not like happy about it, but i like that i can stay there and feel completely comfortable. haha julie helps me sneak like almost everything from my room into matts house slowly, like bit by bit so i told her that the next thing we need to sneak out is my bed. haha

as for joe, i dont really know what we are. ive tried to talk to him on many occasions and his answers are typical guy answers. like 'i dont know' or 'okay' or 'maybe'. i cant get anything out of him, well i couldnt. until thursday night. but he freaked out on me, because okay let me explain. a couple guys have been asking me if i wanted to go out with them some night, like theres three different guys. and like no i dont want too, because im hooked on joe. but if i knew that i was single then why wouldnt i? so i simply IMed him and i said, "we're seeing other people right?" and then he asked if i was and i just told him that i didnt want tobe but if he was then i would. and that simple question escalated into him freaking out because i dont even know why. he was like "i dont know what the fuck i want, how many times do i have to say it.." then he'd be like "you ask me all the time and i just dont know. we're so far, (blahdyblahdyblah)" but going into this we knew we'd be far, we both knew it. ! and i told him that this wasnt exactly that difficult, if he wanted to be with me i only needed reassurance and if he didnt all he had to do was say so. but no, he doesnt have an answer. i just need an answer, seriously! i told him that i didnt like waiting around for him to figure out whether or not i was worth it.. and he said well sorry it doesnt just come to me. ugh i wish i could just be like 'fuckyou' and get over him. if only .. but i know he's not a dick, like he just is confused and im an understanding person which is why im putting up with it. because i know i like him a whole bunch, and if we can work through college and figure this out then we'll be alright. its just stupid stupid stupid college. i mean i get my license in a few weeks and i would be love to go visit him, but im not going to propose that because who even knows if he wants to see me.. aah im overanalyzing. i do it all the time, its my downfall and my biggest flaw.

last night i went to a party in newburyport and got drunk and on the ride home and called him and left a message but i honestly couldnt tell you what i said, but i know it was short because i remember looking at how long the phone call was and it was only :59 seconds long. and then i got to julies and left my phone on her bed and went to bug her brother and his freinds and when i came back from that he had called me back so i called him and we talked. i know that i asked him how his night was and he went on for a long time about what he did. im pretty sure his roomates girlfriend and her friend made them dinner, and i remember getting sad but i didnt obviously tell him. but i sad over the fact that he was having dinner with a girl, stupid right? well whatever. we're not goether anyways. but then i told him that i was sorry for over reacting and i shouldnt have been freaking out on him the other night, and then he said sorry too and i told him not to be. and then i told him i missed him and he said it back, but i dont think he does. i think he tries not to talk to me because he's trying to distint himself but then he said that one of us didnt have service and then he would be online. so i went online and he wasnt on. well he was but his away message said sleeping. so i dont really know about me and him. it makes me sad, but if i cut him out of my life completely i know ill be fine. but its easier said then done, because i dont know how to do that. and i am constantly worrying like if i call him, he wont answer cause he doesnt want to talk to me but then if i dont call he'll be upset because he'll think i dont care. and im like that over everything, i do nothing but contradict myself always. thats also a big flaw of mine.

whatever, i need to figure shit out.
im scared of losing him, but ill be okay if i do.
im helping ariel and brian with their breakup now, i should be fine.
i should take the advice i give to them and use it on myself,
but like i said earlier. easier said then done

no feelings?

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 23:16:03 GMT

i want no feelings; like im not the stereotyped depressed teenager, like im really not. im actually a pretty happy kid. i just have so much going on right now. so much is happening and like it may not seem like a lot. but its overwhelming and sometimes i dont know how to deal with it. like my parents, school, and now joe. like wow..

i just want to be happy. i was happy over the summer; like was soo good. everything was basically perfect. then september came; what a fucked up month. seriously, ugh. first my parents tell me their getting dirvorced and i come to realize how bad my dads alcohol problem is.. then i get piled on with work in school and like that just adds to the stress (plus im not living at home and this is my third week of not living at home, so i have to responsible.. like make sure i get my work down and everything) and then joe wants to break up. well he said he doesnt want to be completely single (whatever the fuck that means) but he thinks not having titles will be easier and he cant explain why. i asked him so many questions and his answer to almost everything was "i dont know" "ok" .. it made me soo mad. he just doesnt know what he wants and thats fine. he's in college, i mustve been an idiot to think this couldve worked. we could work, but itd be really hard on him and i dont want him to go through that. college is hard, and its suppose to be fun. i dont want to hold him back from fun, plus college only happens once. tons of girls will pass his way, make sense?

i kind of wish feelings didnt exsist. like good or bad, and of course the good ones are good to have, but im talking about the bad ones especially. so because itd be weird to be happy all the time id rather have none because the bad ones suck real bad. and i hate being a teenager. usually i love life, and i still do. like lifes amazing, just too much shit is going on

and like joe is still being amazing, like hes still going to be there when i need him and if i ever need him and we still talk (which at times i think makes it harder for me) but i wish he was my boyfriend, rather then just another firend. because its such a different feeling when your boyfriend cares, rather than friends. dont get me wrong my friends are incredible and always there when i need them and i love them for that <33 more then anything. but i just wish he was my boyfriend..

alright, well im going to the gym with julie then going to matts - my new home. haha tonights two weeks since ive been home. well like im home now but im sleeping at matts cause my dads out drinking and i wouldnt be here to see him come home trashed even if my life depended on it.

..

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 21:19:12 GMT

joe and i broke up last night, end of story.

loving life for the time being

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 02:29:23 GMT

things are good right now.
they really are. i just need to remind myself of something..

he's not evan, he's not evan
stop feeling lied too, stop feeling lied too
dont be apprehensive, dont be apprehensive

okay =), im good now. <33

dumb boys

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 13:21:05 GMT

i dont get it. i dont want boys, like i dont want dumb boys in my life anymore. where are all those good guys that people talk about.
well actually joe is a good guy. he's just weird, or i may be overanalyzing everything since i got that news the other night. fuck. complicatedcomplicatedcomplicated.
well no, joe told me he would call me yesterday and never did so at like five thirty i called him and he forwarded me to voicemail cause it only rang twice so i left a message but never got a call back so at like eight i texted him and didnt get one back then at like 1030/11 i called once more and no one answered but i didnt leave a message. and then i IMed him around 12 (his away message was "call") so i told him that i had called twice and that i was going to bed. and so then i fell asleep and i woke up to him calling me but i missed the call so i called him right back and got a voicemail so i left one and then i came to the computer and he had IMed me so i IMed him back but no answer? so then i went back to bed and he called me again. so i answered but i left the room cause i had to be quiet cause julie was sleeping so i did and this was the conversation-
joe "hello, hello..hello?" (cause it took a while for me to answer because i was leaving the room)
me "hey"
joe "hi. what are you doing"
me "well i was sleeping haha"
joe "oh well then bye"
- he was just being a dick. but like he isnt one, im just overanalyzing everything because thats what i do. overanalyze stupid shit that doesnt even matter, like that phone call. but aah, im stressed. everything stresses me out. i just like dont want to be in a relationship right now, but i do. because joe is amazing and if i break it off with him then i want a boyfriend at one point he wont be there, and then ill just go back to some dick. but its really hard because hes in college. its only been about three weeks since i last saw him, and yeah like that is a long time but compared to the amount of time left until i see him next, i dont know if i can do it. but i want to, because when i see him itll be an incredible feeling. its just the getting there part that sucks.

boston

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 04:51:02 GMT

im gonna be in boston tomorrow, and joes gonna be in boston tomorrow.
but he didnt ask to meet up :(

i miss him

fuuck

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 03:57:28 GMT

i can never be happy.
it a proven fact, its how my life is.
i just want to be happy :(

like yeah my parental situation sucks right now, but i just got burdened with some news that i wish i didnt know. although im glad i do, its just hard. and i dont want to deal with it, i have joe. joe is an amazing person and he has been nothing but incredible to me. i cant imagine having a better boyfriend as of now. i really cant. so what the hell is wrong with me, answer me that please. because im curious

blank check

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 23:01:51 GMT

the divorce isnt so bad; well it sucks.
but its been a long long time coming, my dads drinking problem bugs me more.
and hes stubborn and an asshole, but i know everything he says is the alcohol talking, not my dad. my dads not an asshole, my dad loves me. my drunk dad doesnt; but i figure he'll get help when he's ready. i dont know what its going to take, but one day he will come to his senses.

i moved out. unfortunetly, that wasnt enough. the alcohol is more important to him, but once again its the disease. i know it is, it has to be. my dad loves me, he wouldnt choose alcohol over me. i need to convince myself of that. its the truth, it has to be.

ive been living from house to house for the past week. mostly matts, i crash on his couch each night. but ive stayed at kellys one night, and bryanna and taylors another, and julies too. everyone tells me that if i need a place to sleep i can sleep with them but i hate that. because im fine, like when they tell me i can use their house i feel like im taking charity. my life isnt so bad i dont have a place to sleep, i just choose not to live in my house with an alcoholic. but dont get me wrong, everyones kindness is greatly greatly appreciated. im just really mixed up right now.

i have to say that my family, friends, and joe have been amazing for the past week. ive gotten to the point where i cant even be around my dad because i get so pissed off at him. i was around him for a total of like ten minutes yesterday and i ended up pouring beer on his head and dumping his pack of beer down the back hill. i get so pissed, and i dont mean too. i need my dad back.

but joe, joes been unbelievable. and its weird because he doesnt even know me all too well. well actually, i take that back because he knows me more then i wanted him too. but he's only known me two months and he's acting so sincere. hes offered more then once to be there if i ever needed to talk. he said that it didnt matter what was wrong that i could vent at him and he would sit listen and offer advice. and he offered to come all the way from worchester if i ever needed him, he said if i ever needed to get out of a place, or get somewhere and just wanted to get away. the kid is amazing, and he was soo unexpected. it feels like i was just walking down the street one day and came across a blank check. like, its incredible. its hard to believe. but a while ago we were having a serious talk and he said that he wanted me to be able to be bored and think of him and smile, and i do that all the time. he makes me smile even if im having the worst day, like the days ive been having lately. i just have to be talking to him in one way or another and im happy. its so weird, and im obviously not in love, like i dont even know if we'll make it much longer but its so much different then evan because with evan i loved him, but it was like crazy love. like i was infatuated and never fell out of that. but at the same time i had all these feelings. i dont know, its hard to explain. but with joe, i dont even see him often but im crazy about him. and im pretty sure hes crazy about me too, and thats a good feeling. to know when a boy is crazy about you, without apprehension. i also trust joe, which is strange of me. but who knows, we'll see what happens

bye marriage

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 03:55:20 GMT

so i found out today my parents are getting a divorce.
they've been married sixteen years, how do you just throw that out the window.

oh i know how, my dads an alcoholic.
fuck.

i dont even know who to live with. ive never found any decision this difficult. because my dads staying in my house and he's kicking my mom out in two weeks. i would rather live with my mom, for like parenting purposes even though id get more freedom with my dad. but my dads an alcoholic and i dont want to live with him.

you know whats funny, he doesnt care that hes an alcoholic. like hes in denial, largely. but you would think when his own daughter calls him a 'fuckin drunk' to his face, he would get some sort of picture. ive been calling him an alcoholic/drunk since i was like fourteen. why isnt he doing anything about it? doesnt he care? i wish he did...

my moms been asking him to attend marriage counsaling or aa meetings but he says that he doesnt need the aa meetings and that the marriage counseling wouldnt help because they've been arguing for too long. and its true, ever since i can remember they've been arguing, and its ALWAYS about alcohol. and it really affects me, but i drink. thats something i dont understand about myself. but its always been my dads fault. and no one in my family, like aunts uncls grandparents believe that cause my dads on their side. why would they go against their own blood? but i will admit that my mom has had her share of alcohol, but she doesnt drink hard stuff and shes never drank half as much as my dad.

and all this is happening at such a stressful point in my life. junior year just started and i have like the hardest classes. im about to get in trouble for cheating on my summer reading journal, im taking an ap course thats way above me and i shouldnt be in but i want to prove to myself i can do it. joes at school and we've been fighting/discussing what to do and i know itll end in us ending everything, which is what i dont want. but at the same time itll be better when i move on.

ughhh, i dont know what to do with myself anymore. and i hate relationships, all kinds. they dont last. looking around at marriages, the majority are divorced. boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are fighting and ending constantly and ughh. i dont see the point. i need the one boy in my life who is gonna always be there. i dont want to fish around and learn from these upcoming boyfriends. i want the one, like i just need to know that hes there. which he probably isnt, cause relationships dont last long anymore. it just makes me so mad,

and i guess im upset. yeah i must admit my parents divorcing really upsets me. ive always seen it coming but because it was "gonna happen" so many times, because now its really happening it doesnt feel so real.

ew

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 20:55:24 GMT

ew, im going to get glasses.
but theres a party at dannys tonight <33

sneaking around

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 14:10:48 GMT

so its ten in the morning, and im at my aunts house. im babysitting my two little cousins. even though they are ten and eleven and honestly are mature enough to not need a babysitter. but she pays me so its fine, lol.

i got my kite runner written work finished for the summer. now i have my ap paper and i have to read another book and keep a journal on it. and as of today i have seven days, one week. ew, one week till school. its always nothing but drama and it starts like second week at the latest. and truthfully i like to know about whats going on, like i like gossip but i hate when people talk. so i completely contradict myself in the statement but thats how i feel. i still need to go school shopping, i have nothing. actually ive bought one pair of jeans yesterday, but i dont think ill wear them that much, in school anyways. but i need to take my ap work seriously, like i only have a week. is this even possible? and joe said that he would help me but because we ran out of time he said that once im finished with it, i could send it to him and he'll edit it. he majors in english so he could correct it. he wants to be a writer which i think is pretty cool.

we talked for a half hour last night on the phone, each night it just gets longer and longer and we get closer and closer. i dont want too, but no matter what i do ill get hurt now. so i figure ill just play it by ear. but he goes to school on monday, like he starts classes and thats when he's going, which surprised me because i figured he would go in on like saturday and start to unpack and organize himself. but anyway, he asked me to keep sunday open and i told him i would but i dont know how im going to get away with this.

im thinking about being real sneaky, which ive been alot lately but im thinking of being really sneaky. okay so my parents think im going to matts dads for the weekend but i cant go because i told kelly i would help her move in on satuday. but no one knows that besides me her and my aunt cathy so if i told my parents i was going and then like friday night i spent with diana and saturday i spent iwth kelly, id find some place to sleep saturday night and then spend sunday with joe, im thinking that could. cause my parents hardly check in on me and they wouldnt ask to talk to any parents because they trust me. plus my aunt and my cousin wouldnt tell my parents i was helping her. so im thinking it could work, but im pretty nervous about it because yeah ive lied about where i was staying for a night and going for a few hours, but never for an entire weekend. and i dont see how i could get caught, but i could be missing something.

okay well im leaving now,
ill update soon.